After the Affair: Quieting the Movie In Your Mind

After you’ve been betrayed, a tape starts to play in your head. On repeat. Amy Daves offers guidance on changing the channel.

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You just found out that your wife/husband/partner has been having an affair.  What is your first question?

“Who is s/he?”

What is your second question?

Even if you can croak out the words at that point, it’s unlikely you will ask it out loud.  But you do wonder…..

 “Is s/he better in bed than me?” 

Or,

“How much money does he make?”  “Is he ripped? Taller than me?  Smarter than me?”

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Your questions likely identify your core insecurities. In reality though, the answers to your questions will not quench your thirst for information.

When someone has been betrayed, there is a common reaction that nearly all of my clients report experiencing. That is, there is a fantasy tape that plays, over and over and over again – intrusive thoughts that don’t seem to shut off. By the word “fantasy” I don’t mean a desired scenario, but rather an imagined scenario that may or may not be founded in truth.

Generally I find that the fantasy far exceeds reality in terms of awesomeness. Lovers don’t turn out to look like Brad Pitt,  have the personality of Jimmy Fallon, the power of a CEO, the money of Bill Gates or the,uh, ‘prowess’ of a porn star. Generally, lovers are pretty ordinary folks, with average sized genitals and insecurities of their own.

The hurt partner needs emotional triage.

However, the fantasies of the betrayed tell a much different tale. It’s like one’s own recipe for personal torture.

When an affair has been exposed, I compare the hurt partner to someone who has been in a car wreck. They are bleeding out, emotionally. It doesn’t help for the betrayer to hurry along the process of recovery (“Get over it already!  I just want to move forward!  Why are you asking me all of these questions! ), and it doesn’t serve anyone to pretend there has not been a wreck. The hurt partner needs emotional triage and that phase may last for around six weeks, even if the repair work is being done correctly by both partners. Everyone is different – but everybody wants this phase over sooner than is realistic. Give it time.

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My recommendation is to share the movie. In other words, when the betrayed is troubled by intrusive thoughts and fantasies about what happened, or about the lover, they must share those thoughts with the partner who stepped out. Both must carry that burden together. If along with those images come questions, the betrayer must answer with total transparency and truthfulness, even if it is painful to one or both partners.

It is this process, not the details themselves, which serves to build trust. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that some questions and answers hold little value and can create movies of their own. It is sometimes useful for the betrayer to remind the partner that such questions are not helpful (How big were his feet?), but that if it is important to the partner, the questions will be answered honestly.

I recommend that in the early period of “emotional triage” that fantasy films be shared daily at a certain time of the evening when all is calm. Conversations are to be limited to 15 -20 minutes, as there is a limit to the amount of intensity the infidel can be expected to manage. Such a conversation might sound something like this:

Betrayed: “I had some movies play in my head today and they were upsetting.  I need to talk about them, is now a good time?”

Betrayer: “Ok, let’s talk. Tell me about your movies.”

Betrayed: “I kept replaying in my head the scene where you were at his house, and here is what was happening….”

Betrayer: “I hate that what I did left you with the burden of these images.”

When both partners are able and willing to share the burden of these intrusive fantasy thoughts, there is a team building that helps repair the damages of the betrayal.

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Eventually, done correctly, the bleeding will stop. Then, on to the real work of answering the most important question….. “Why did this happen?” This question will be explored in a future article. In the meantime, know that if your partnership has ever experienced a betrayal, it is likely that the fantasies were, and perhaps still are, intrusive unwanted guests. Unlike your crazy holiday relatives, these particular guests are some you don’t want to ignore.

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More from Amy Daves on Affair Repair: Affair Repair: Four Ingredients for Healing After Betrayal

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Photo: Free Photos & Art/Flickr

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